Squeeze an Extra Hour into Your Day

Latest reports say that if you only sleep six or seven hours per night you'll live longer than if you sleep eight or more hours. The findings are only preliminary, so if you're a late sleeper, don't worry until we know for sure. What we do know is that there's a way to squeeze an extra hour into your busy day.

You wonder how you can do it all, right? Well, actually you can't. There's always something else vying for your attention. And when you put off something, until something else gets done, chances are you won't get any projects completed.

Well, there is one way to squeeze an extra hour into your busy day. I did it and it works. In the morning, whenever you awaken, don't lie there and vaguely think about all the useless or pointless things you did yesterday or should have done or will do when the time is right. Nor should you think about all the nefarious things that have happened in the past week...what your kids or what your wife or husband or significant other intimated...just GET UP!!! If you're a morning newspaper reader you'll finish it an hour earlier! If your spouse isn't up yet, make breakfast and surprise him or her...it will gain you important points. That's my tip for the New Year approaching. Try it.

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Some good things and some horrendous things happened recently. First the good thing, or maybe we could also call it a calamitous thing. I had a car accident and Alioto's Body Shop on Folsom spent some time replacing a headlight and fender that was severely damaged. When it was returned it seemed drivable, but when I attempted to drive up one of SF's many steep hills, the car wouldn't make it. I carefully (with some trepidation) backed the car down the hill...fortunately it was midday and few cars approaching. I attempted a less steep hill and it still wasn't working. I thought perhaps the gas was low so Alioto sent someone with a can of gas and it still didn't do what I hope it would do. (I believe that even with an empty tank, a car can go another 20 miles or so.) The next thing that occurred is that my car was stalled at the intersection of Clipper and Portola with cars whizzing by. One of the nearby drivers called the police, who eventually showed up, raised the hood to indicate that I was disabled and proceeded to call a tow company. That took another 3/4 of an hour and the car was towed to Twin Peaks Gas Station where Ed is proceeding to figure out what the problem is (and apparently there are several.) Ed couldn't figure out how Alioto could have returned the car without checking it out more thoroughly. It was freezing cold and rainy and darkness was now approaching and what I wanted to inform you is that the policeman, Calvin Chow, could not have been more helpful and guided me through several hours of anxiety and apprehension. I have since called the San Francisco Police Department to report Officer Chow's good deeds to the Captain. It was an unfortunate calamity but fortunately no injuries.

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A few things to look forward to:

Rumor has it that in short order a Jewish delicatessen will be opening on 24th Street. More lox, whitefish, kreplach, and other New York-type favorites will be available locally. It's about time.

Another happy interesting happening...."The Fashion World of Jean Paul Gaultier" displays around 140 ensembles from the French designer, including costumes from the movie "The Fifth Element" and Madonna's famous cone bra. Next stop: San Francisco's de Young Museum in March.

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Some Things You Should Get To:

At the Contemporary Jewish Museum"Houdini: Art & Magic" is an interesting exhibition with pictures and videos of the magician in action. Also some fun magic gifts in the Museum store for the magician kids in your life. Til January.

ANNAPURNA is not about the mountain but an absorbing drama at the Magic Theater by Sharr White and directed ably by Loretta Greco. This two character play concerns a terminally ill cowboy and his Eastern seaboard ex-wife who tracked him to a remote part of the Rockies for the final resolution of an incident that drove them apart 20 years ago. Thru Dec 441-8822

The Marsh on Valencia Street is featuring a very funny solo show with Marga Gomez in "NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER." It's a hilarious mix of childhood memories, lying about her age, reflections about her childhood and some social satire.that will keep you laughing. Thru Dec 17 unless it's extended. 282-3055.

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The Best Things Anybody Ever Said:

Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish ...

Benny Hill

Santa Claus has the right idea...visit people once a year...

Victor Borge

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph...

Shirley Temple

My parents had only one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years...

Cathy Ladman

Tell your boss what you think of him and the truth shall set you free...

Unknown

Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil...

J. Paul Getty

Eternity is two people and a roast turkey...

James Dent

Avoid fruits and nuts, you are what you eat...

Garfield (Jim Davis)

I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner and she said "How about a week in Bangladesh?.."

Roseanne Barr

phyllis@westsideobserver.com

December 2011

BE WARY OF TELEMARKETING SCAMS

The telephone rang some weeks ago and a somewhat inarticulate man asked me if I was at least 50. I said, "Why do you want to know that?" He said, "Because you sound like a younger woman and we're looking for women over 50, 60, or 70 who have at least $30,000 in assets and would like to know how to preserve their funds and add to them." I wasn't about to give him any information but was curious as to his game. "OK, so I'm over 50 with assets. Now what? And what's your name?" "My name is Will, and I represent the Gentry Group...we're authorized by Congress and have an 800 number. Next Friday at 10AM, Ms. Ardena Terry would like to visit you and explain what we do. You can check us out on our 800 number. It's 800-735-2898. By the way what's your favorite color?" "My favorite color, Will? Mauve." "What, I never heard of that. Will obviously not a Kelly-Moore customer or into the newest hues for decorating design. "OK, my favorite color is blue. Why is that important?" "Well, Andrena Terry will come to see you with something 'blue' so you'll know she's authentic...next Friday at 10 AM." I subsequently called the 800 number and a woman reiterated that Ardena would show up Friday to show me how to increase my bottom line. I said, "That way we'll both make more money?" "Right," she said. I told her I'd rather skip the whole thing and immediately called the San Francisco Fraud Division. Inspector Gregory Ovanessian at 533-9073 was very helpful and said I did the right thing, and said they would send me material regarding telemarketing scams and investment fraud and abuse.

If you call him, he'll send you any information you like. I recently dialed the Gentry Group's 800 number again on a Saturday, inasmuch as Ardena never did show up, and it rang and rang and the operator said it was not in service. Perhaps they were out checking on the newest paint shades.

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A labor problem is stalking parts of the U.S. economy, and it's not the awful 9.1% unemployment rate. It's a labor shortage, and major cause is the crackdown on illegal immigration. Even with the high joblessness overall, shortages exist at both the high-and low-skilled ends of the labor market. At the high end, tech companies have trouble finding computer scientists and engineers. They need more visas for foreigners who study science and math in the U.S. And at the low end, many employers can't find enough hands to pick their crops, bus tables, or in some places do construction. That's because thousands of laborers from south of the border have been scared away by U.S. immigration laws, leaving unfilled tens of thousand of jobs that few Americans seem to want. Hardest hit here are farmers. Most of the 1.6 million agricultural laborers in America are Hispanic, and a majority of them are assumed to be undocumented immigrants. Without a steady pool of migrant labor during harvest season, farms have lost millions of dollars as crops have needlessly rotted. In Washington state, apple orchards are running a radio recruitment campaign offering jobs that pay $100 to $150 per day, but so far with little success. California avocado growers and Texas vegetable farmers are also desperate for help. Similar stories come from Colorado, Idaho, Oklahoma, Vermont and more. Many states are resorting to desperate measures to find labor. Idaho and Arizona use incarcerated criminals to work the fields and Georgia and Alabama are looking into it. Georgia initially tried to get people on probation into those jobs but found few takers. The work is strenuous and experience matters, which is why farmers prefer to see the same immigrant employees coming back each year. Migrant labor is highly sensitive to market signals. When the economic or political climate sours, they choose not to come or to avoid certain states. Over time, food producers can make a similar decision and move their operations overseas. Peaches don't have to be grown in Georgia, or lettuce in Yuma.

Republicans have made immigration control one of their main passions, yet they continue to ignore the economic costs. They claim to champion deregulation and business-led growth, but then they impose new hiring and enforcement on any business's most important assets — its workers.

There's a better way. At the state level, stop treating Mexican fruit pickers like alien invaders. In Congress, overhaul the guest worker program to widen avenues for legal immigration, and offer those in the country without papers a way to become legal. The result would be fewer crops rotting in the fields, more jobs for Americans, faster economic growth, and fewer farmers taking their production overseas. And President Obama should do less campaigning and more job solving and soul searching.

(The previous information was extrapolated from a variety of national newspaper editorials.)

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On the movie front you can skip"50-50" despite some reasonably good reviews. A 27 year old becomes a cancer victim and although reviews cited some good laughs, we found it not laughable, and a merely depressing film. "THE WAY" was well acted by the four characters, on a pilgrimage to Pamplona to distribute some ashes belonging to the son of one of the characters, but the film was moribund and easily skipped.

Feedback: phyllis@westsideobserver.com

November 2011

On Wednesday and Fridays the New York Times includes stories relating to the Bay Area. Recently they wrote that organic-produce buyers who think they are striking a blow against a chemical-heavy industrial food system may be surprised when it comes to one of California's signature fruits: those "organic" strawberries that overflow from baskets at local farmers' markets are not nearly as organic as they may think. Apparently they say that there are very vague federal regulations that allow millions of pounds of toxic chemicals to be used to grow plants that eventually produce strawberries that are labeled as organic.

National regulations require that organic produce be grown for three years without synthetic pesticides. Strawberries in California are grown over a five-year cycle, often starting as nursery plants in the fields of Southern California before being transplanted to the sandy soils of Northern California. Before they begin bearing fruit, virtually all plants - whether they will go on to produce conventional berries or organic ones - are treated with fumigants and other synthetic pesticides.

The National Organic Program is in the process of reviewing its standards for seeds and planting stock. The standards have not been updated since they were created in 2002, and they allow conventional stock be used wherever organic stock is not "commercially available." Therefore, the farmers say, most fruit growers will still interpret the rule as an excuse not to seek out organic stock, which they consider to be at higher risk for pests and disease. Apparently, more than a million pounds of methyl bromide was applied to strawberry nursery fields around the world in 2011, according to Environmental Protection Agency reports. Despite a worldwide phase-out, the fumigant continues to be used on crops in the United States, including on peppers and tomatoes, to prevent a "significant market disruption." (The Pesticide Action Network is worried that methyl -bromide will ultimately be replaced with methyliodid, which is toxic too.) Driscoll Strawberry Associates in Monterey is the largest berry distributor in the world. Perhaps a complaint or query to them would prove helpful because, apparently, the word is that an organic strawberry is possible...but when and how?

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On the entertainment front, some of the current performances are worth your attention. NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, is a one-woman show by Margo Gomez who comes out about lying about her age, growing older, and other resentments in her thoroughly hilarious 85 minute wild mix of childhood memories, social satire, reflections on aging, denial of same, confession, evasion and laugh riot of sharply limned characters, It's playing through October 25th at The Marsh at 1062 Valencia St. San Francisco. (415) 282-3055. You're guaranteed to laugh a lot.

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In a more serious vein, director Susi Damilano is ably directing the West Coast premiere of HONEY BROWN EYES by Stefanie Zadravec. Inspired by actual events, Honey Brown Eyes contrasts the everydayness of domestic settings with the ravages of the Bosnian War. Set in two kitchens, the play follows two soldiers that were once in a rock band together caught on opposite sides of the war - one who has to face the consequences of his own brutality, and another who comes to terms with his own cowardice. Unlikely partnerships emerge in this play of horror, humanity and stunning relevance. Honey Brown Eyes was produced originally in a regional theater in Washington, DC and then again in NYC. A brief synopsis by the author, Zadravec, explains that set in Bosnia in 1991, it is the story of two former band mates who are forever changed by two women the war has stranded in their kitchens. One, a Serbian paramilitary, faces the consequences of his own brutality, while in Sarajevo a Bosnian resistance fighter faces the limits of his own courage. It is not so much a play about war as it is a play that examines the value of a simple act of human kindness. The show won the Helen Hayes Award for Best New Play in 2009. It is extremely engrossing with outstanding acting.

Feedback: phyllis@westsideobserver.com

October 2011

A few bits and pieces to report...looked on Craigslist to find a plumber/handyman who could install a new food waste disposer after my good friends at Glen Park Hardware suggested I call Cole Hardware on Mission Street. The folks at Cole Hardware couldn't have been nicer. They had a large selection of ACE Disposers and suggested I get one that's guaranteed for 5 years. (3/4 horsepower) and said that they give senior citizens 10% discount on most purchases. When I told them that last Tuesday was my birthday, they said that in that case, it would be 40% discount! What a deal! They sent me their interesting newsletter and the variety of items they offer are worth considering when you're planning to make a hardware purchase.

They suggested I call O'Grady Plumbing, who were also quite nice, but when I asked about charges for installation was told, "we never quote prices over the phone but we'll tell you when we get there." That seemed counterproductive, but they sent someone over and the plumber told me it would cost $238 to install the disposal, about 3X the price of the disposal. When I asked why it costs so much, he responded, "Do you realize that you live in one of the most expensive cities in the country?" Like I didn't know...but that's a reason? Needless to say I promptly contacted plumbers on Craigslist and a less pricey individual is due to show up tomorrow. That Craigslist is one of the best things that ever happened in the Bay Area (and the rest of the world.) I recently received a brochure from the Diamond Certified Directory. In it they list everyone from Auto Body people to Window Contractors. I don't know what the advertisers in there pay for the listing, but it must be pretty hefty because when I called one of the plumbers listed in there, they also quoted a very high rate to do the work. When you need a handyman or any other service person, check out CL and you'll have a great variety of options.

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Some unsettling news on the Geriatric front. Report has it that fewer medical students are going into Geriatrics as their specialty; it's seen as a depressing field and not "glamorous." A recent survey of physicians, however, said that Geriatric doctors are more satisfied with their work than other specialists. The JAMA said that more standard training is needed across all medical specialties. Residency requires little or no specific training in Geriatrics and there needs to be more to incorporate this training into all areas of medicine. I wonder what medical specialty is considered more "glamorous?" Obstetrics? Pediatrics? In-Vitro Specialty? At least it's the "beginning" of something. Got any ideas? Let me know...maybe I'll switch careers.

On the entertainment front, I ordered the Chronicle's new TV WEEKLY and have had nothing but problems receiving it. It didn't show up in the Sunday SF Chronicle for several weeks and when I called, they said they'd put one in the mail...it never made it for over a week. I don't get the Chronicle every day so if I want to know what's on TV on a particular night, I'm out of luck. The SF Chronicle in general leaves much to be desired. I do subscribe to the NY Times daily and to the Wall Street Journal (which has the largest circulation in the world) but neither publication lists the San Francisco TV programs. So if I want to know what's on TV on a special night or time, I just have to forget about television and read a REAL paper, or even better, a book.

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I went to see BILLY ELLIOT at the Orpheum Theatre before it ended and was somewhat disappointed. The dancing was impressive, especially by five young "Billys" who take turns being the lead, and also are understudies for the role. All the other children in the cast were also exceptional dancers. The sound was a bit of a problem as the cockney accents were mostly difficult to follow and with the blaring orchestra and the pounding dancing, I was glad when the full three hours were over.

Feedback: phyllis@westsideobserver.com

September 2011

A STORY WITH TEETH

Here's something I'll bet you didn't know. In the 18th century England straight, white teeth were a sign of beauty, affluence and moral fortitude, perhaps because tooth loss was a common result of venereal disease and the treatment with mercury. Wealthy and fashionable citizens engaged in a fad known as live-tooth transplantation similar to the way today"s socialites and celebrities purchase foreign substances, like injections and saline implants to augment their bodies.

At a time when dentistry was still new, ladies and gentlemen had their damaged or rotten teeth pulled and quickly replaced with teeth taken from the mouths of live donors—indigents who were forced to sell their teeth for cash. Fear of disease transmittal and criticism of the exploitative nature of the practice contributed to its disappearance in the l9th century.

This bizarre and short-lived dental procedure provides insight into many aspects of late 18th century life, including divisions between the rich and poor, changing standards of beauty and the rise of consumer culture. In our culture people's bodies play a key role in their personal and social identities, and body parts are viewed as commodities that can be bought and sold. Many contemporary trends such as cosmetic surgery, tattooing, body piercing and the sale of organs on the black market, can be traced to this strange and largely unknown fad.

I gleaned this information from Professor Mark Blackwell, chair of the Department of English in the University of Hartford College of Arts and Sciences. The article entitled "Extraneous Bodies." The Contagion of Live Tooth Transplantation on Late Eighteenth-Century England," earned Blackwell the prestigious James L. Clifford Prize, conferred by the American Society of 18th Century Studies on an outstanding study of 18th century culture.

I'll guess your dentist never heard of this mouth enhancing improvement.

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BE WARY OF TELEMARKETING SCAMS

For just $3.95 (for postage and handling) I can get a sample of RADIALABS INSTANT WRINKLE REDUCER After cleaning your face, apply to wrinkles around your mouth, forehead or any other fine line or wrinkle. After one minute to absorb completely, continue with whatever skin care regimen you usually do.(Product said to contain 20 or so indecipherable ingredients.) Each month you'll receive for $79 another container of this product charged to the credit card you used for the sample.

What a deal! The tiny container..Lot #B2210RL (only readable with a strong magnifying glass also listed a phone # in Ft.Lauderdale, Fla. 877-309-3491. I called the number and let it ring for an interminably long time to no avail. Checking the blogs on the internet were other callers with similar complaints. Opening the container I found the contents, with no applicator, and consistency of a thick creamy viscous product similar to Crisco or Instant Glue. Someone in Florida is cleaning up!

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Isaac Asimov; "If my doctor told me I had only 6 minutes to live...I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster." (Author of 289 books.)

July-August 2011

The Incredible Shrinking Everything

I read a lot and I'm constantly reading that manufacturers are surreptitiously shrinking the size of their products as a sneaky way to avoid raising prices (although their not adverse to do that also.) So many half-gallon containers of orange juice now hold 59 ounces, not 64. And many bags of sugar are now 4 pounds, not 5. Although I haven't actually gone out and measured them, I suspect that many foot-long subs now log in at a demure 10 inches.

The shrinkage problem applies to many things. The sum of $24,000 used to pay for a huge van or a flashy sedan. Now it gets you a dinky Prius. The world of culture is no exception to this gimmick. Concerts at Carnegie Hall used to last 2 1/2 hours...sometimes three. Now they last an hour and three quarters, including a late start, and a long intermission. Encores used to be freebies, now forget it, they're things of the past.

Surreptitious product shrinkage also applies to the world of politics, the world of academe, the world of travel. Six hundred dollars used to be good for a round trip to Venice, Italy, plus space for your coat in the overhead bin, plus a hot meal, plus a couple of drinks, plus a movie, plus room for your legs, plus friendly staff. Now it will just get you the round-trip to Venice, California. Think it ends there? For $150,000 kids used to get a degree in physics, prestige and a future. Now, if the kid is lucky, it will get a degree in gender studies and an unpaid internship at a nonprofit Romanian alternative think tank that only exists on Twitter.

Then there's the world of politics. As recently as the Clinton administration, $100,000 would buy you a politician lock, stock and barrel. If you were a crooked labor union or a shady real estate developer, you plunked down a hundred grand and you had that pol locked up for life. Now a hundred G's won't keep your average pol on the payroll till Flag Day.

Underhanded tactics by cereal companies, car manufacturers and travel agencies, I don't mind, and have to live with, but if politicians are suddenly going to dilute value without warning the rest of us, this society has had it. It's high time this country passed a Truth in Deceptive Advertising law to curtail such abuses. If only to keep politicians dishonest. (If you pay attention to news reports, advertising ads and small print on everything, you'll find your own shortages abound.)

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It's really hard to see them all...but if you try hard you can get to several of the winners. A few must-sees include EAST 14th: TRUE TALES OF A RELUCTANT PLAYER.. Don Reed creates his world on Oakland's East 14th Street in the 1970's. It's a hilarious 100 minute coming-of-age tale that's scheduled to close June 18th but probably will continue at the Marsh Berkeley.800-838-3006. Very worth while. Of equal value is LOVELAND..a tightly written, compelling and hilarious solo-show by Ann Randolph regaling her misadventures and musings on a long flight home..also schedule to end soon, but probably will continue at the Marsh on Valencia St. in San Francisco..800-838-3006. Check her out. The SF PLAYHOUSE on Sutter Street is currently showing REBORNING by Zayd Dohrn. This dark, unusual comedy takes an unsettling look at work, latex, and the power of creation. A young artist who crafts custom made dolls begins to suspect that a demanding client may be the mother who abandoned her at birth. As she tries to unravel the mystery, she discovers the path to her own "Reborning."

Movies...If you enjoy French cinema, you'll thoroughly enjoy POTICHE directed by Francois Ozon. Set in a provincial French town in 1977, Catherine Deneuve stars as a submissive, housebound "trophy wife", married to a selfish factory owner. When he is kidnapped by his workers, she comes into her own, a journey from a sheltered pet to a figure of national importance. Gerard Depardieu plays the ex-beau with great verve. English subtitles.

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is Woody Allen's latest venture. It tells the story of a family that travels to the picturesque French capital on business. The party includes two young people (Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams) who are engaged to be married in the fall and have experiences there that change their lives forever. It's about a young man's great love for a great city, Paris, and the illusion people have that a life different from theirs would be much better. It's smart, sweet and very funny with beautiful photography of a wonderful city.

June 2011

There's a Way to Squeeze an Extra Hour Into Your Day

Latest reports say that if you only sleep six or seven hours per night you'll live longer than if you sleep eight or more hours.The findings are only preliminary so if you're a late sleeper, don't worry until we know for sure.  What we do know is that there's a way to squeeze an extra hour into your busy day.

You wonder how you can do it all, right? Well, actually you can't. There's always something else crying for your attention. And when you put off something, and something else gets done...chances are you won't get any projects completed.

Well, there is one way to squeeze an extra hour into your busy day.  I did it and it works. In the morning, whenever you awaken..don't lie there and vaguely think about all the useless or pointless things you did yesterday or should have done or will do when the time is right. Nor should you think about all the nefarious things that have happened in the past week..what your kids or what your wife or husband or significant other intimated...just GET UP!!!  If you're a morning newspaper reader, you'll finish it an hour earlier!  If your spouse isn't up yet, making breakfast and surprise him or her...it will gain you important points. That's my tip for April. Try it.

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Speaking of sleep problems, we all know that doctors hand out samples every day to grateful patients ( or used to.) This is merely the drug user's system of promoting new medicines...through professional articles ad at medical conferences And what they astonish even the most jaded critics of ethically challenged pharmaceutical marketing, makers of sleeping pills are now paying doctors to publish bad things about competing drugs. The market for sleeping pills is huge...42 million prescriptions were filled last year...and it's more competitive than ever due to the recent introduction of Sepracor's Lunesta (the one with butterfly commecials.)  Ambien CR (controlled release version of Ambien) and Takeda Pharmaceuticals' Rozerem. Ads have made most of these drugs household names.  Yet many people have never heard of one of the most widely prescribed hypnotics in the United States: Trazadone.  First approved by the Food and Drug Administration 25 years ago, Trazadone is categorized as an anti-depressant. Nonetheless, psychiatrist prescribes is off label to treat insomnia, because it works so well, its half- life  has no risk of addiction and the half-life is long enough to keep patients asleep all night, it has a long safety record, and it is cheap, costing (at last count)as little as 10 cents a pill. Ambien and Lunesta cost much more.

Several states now insist that drug makers report the gifts they give doctors. The companies should also disclose how much they pay doctors to prepare sponsored articles. It would be the rare doctor who would want such information to come to the public.(I  believer UCSF has forbade physicians to give samples to patients.) This information was extrapolated from an article is the NY Times by Daniel Carlat.

Feedback: phyllis@westsideobserver.com

April 2011

Mother Teresa once said that "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." Several weeks ago I was invited to a lovely luncheon celebrating the Chinese New Year at a local Senior Facility. I was seated with three elderly women. I tried to make reasonably interesting conversation with two of them and was continually asked to repeat myself. They were both hard of hearing. Being hard of hearing is certainly a good recipe for loneliness.

The third lady in our little group was seated in a wheelchair and was definitely not hard of hearing nor hard of speaking coherently. She identified herself as "Lenore" and began talking about her various ailments. She said she'd had a mastectomy, has macular degeneration in one eye, and has polyps in her vagina. I said "don't you mean polyps in your colon?" She insisted, "no..it is in the vagina." She also added that she is 100 years old. I was taken aback. One hundred years old and still so lucid! She went on reiterating that all her friends and associated had died and she has no one. She obviously was happy to have a live one to talk to. She said her last boyfriend had died at 103 and said he was a wonderful lover and they had daily sex when in their prime. She reiterated how difficult it was to speak to any contemporaries in the Senior Facility because most of them had mental problems and couldn't hear her. I'm not sure how the other ladies at the table would have reacted to Lenore's sexual proclivities were they able to hear about them. Nevertheless, she continued speaking about her lack of contemporaries to commiserate with until an aide came over and wheeled her away with nary a glance.

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In the entertainment department, I've seen very few movies that are worthy of your attention. CEDAR RAPIDS is about life in the Midwestern USA at an insurance convention and it received reasonably good reviews from the reviewers... and while there were some funny and tender bits, I found it basically contrived and not worth 1 + hours of your time. It's at the local Empire Theater on West Portal and I'd give it a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. In general, insurance conventions are kind of mundane anyway, so don't waste your time or money. The sound system in the Empire Theater could use some fine tuning, On the other hand, the foreign film, BIUTIFUL, is from Spain and although a somewhat depressing mortality story of sin and redemption, it's done well. Actor Javier Barden is terrific in the lead role. THE FIGHTER is also a very worthy movie for a surprisingly prickly boxing film.

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I read somewhere that dogs make good poker players. Whenever they get a good hand, they wag their tail. I was thinking a bit about getting a dog. They're supposed to be wonderful companions and dog lovers are forever extolling the benefits of having a dog. I was especially interested when I watched the recent popular Westminster Dog Show. One lady trotted out with a Pekinese collie that the breeder called "ideal for apartment living or a palatial home." There was an adorable Portuguese Water Dog and a Fox Terrier that was described as "having a lively disposition and a smooth coat". There was a cute Chinese Shai-Pei which is a dog that dates back two centuries.. which can't always be said about the rest of us. Then I started to think about the care involved in ANY dog...the vet visits, the cost of needed shots, the amount of food that gets consumed, the price of dog walkers and dog hostels if you go on vacation...and decided to wait a bit before I get a dog. While it's nice to be treated with adoration, have someone who'll be kind and faithful when times are hard, someone who will share your joys and sorrows. Time, then, to buy a puppy,

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ADDENDUM: Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall...David Chambless

March 2011

The news out of Tucson last week about the horrendous activities of the schizophrenic murderer was hard to take. Jared Lee Loughner was a troubled youngster from the get-go apparently, and the world was stunned at such unbelievable mayhem. I learned a new word from all the talk about the killings...the word, which you won't find in your local Webster's dictionary, is ANOSOGNOSIA. Medical dictionaries would probably rule it as belonging to a person who is unaware of what he has done. I was especially chilled about the murder of the nine-year-old Caroline Green because my beautiful granddaughter is the same age as Caroline was, and I was able to relate only too well to the tragedy. Her parents thoughtfully donated Caroline's corneas to two children in Boston. It's been said that the loss of a child is the worst possible thing for parents to handle and I don't doubt that for a moment.

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During our respite from newspaper publishing, I visited my son and family in Bethesda, Maryland. It was bitter cold but we didn't have such balmy weather here in S.F., so I didn't feel I was missing much and survived the frigid Northeast. Among our activities we saw the film '127 HOURS,' which is the true story of Aron Ralston, a mountain climber who was trapped in a canyon with his arm pinned against a boulder. It was a wildly funny and bracing film, at once visceral and thought provoking. Many of the movie viewers covered their eyes when James Franco, alone on the screen for awhile, takes a knife to remove his arm from its captivity. In 'TRUE GRIT' Jeffrey Bridges and Heilee Steinfeld adapt an old John Wayne western into a fine film by Ethan and Joel Coen. 'The KING'S SPEECH' is based on the true story of the Queen of England's father and his remarkable friendship with maverick Australian speech therapist Lionel Logue. Colin Firth as King George VI, who unexpectedly becomes King when his brother Edward abdicates the throne, will undoubtedly win an Academy Award for his role (as a stutterer). His improved voice helps the King lead the nation into war. 'BLUE VALENTINE,' which has won accolades from all over, is the story of love found and love lost told in past and present moments in time. Dean and Cindy use one night to try and save their marriage. It's an honest portrait of a relationship on the rocks that entails lots of sex and lots of heartbreaking detail and emotions. One play I went to see in Washington DC was a new one by Tracy Letts called SUPERIOR DONUTS, from which I expected a great deal as Letts won a Pulitzer Prize for his last show, 'AUGUST, OSAGE COUNTY.' I found DONUTS much of a bore and was surprised that he's planning to bring it to Broadway. Maybe there'll be a rewrite. The current New Yorker just arrived and they have a long agonizing review of 'GREEN HORNET,' the jist of which states that the writers and director have turned this hundred-million dollar movie into the first out-and-out bore of the year. Be advised. One theater that rarely disappoints is the New Conservatory Theater on Market Street. 'DIRTY LITTLE SHOWTUNES' with lyrics by Tom Orr was top notch. Conceived and Directed by F.Allen Sawyer, this satirical parody was a tremendous amount of fun...perhaps not everyone's cup of tea...irresistible irreverence..but we laughed a lot at the naughty bits. Over at the Jewish Community Center, LOST IN YONKERS by Neil Simon and directed by Nancy Carlin had a brief but successful run. Simon has won 17 Tony nominations and in 1991 won a Pulitzer for Lost in Yonkers. I found the show very nostalgic and it made me search my bookcases where one of Neil Simon's early books REWRITES was hiding and I started reading this deeply touching memoir, with amusing anecdotes of his writing life. Much of his work is autobiographical and I can easily relate. Neil Simon was born July 4, 1927. STRANGE TRAVEL SUGGESTIONS: Jeff Greenwald's Improvised monologue inspired by the joys of wanderlust. Great show...thru Feb. 19,.MARSH, BERKELEY...2120 Allston Way, Berkeley (800-838-3006)

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A few political items that may prove of interest: Now that the rogue dictator, Jean-Claude Duvalier has put in an appearance in Haiti, former president Jean-Bertrand Aristide, a onetime priest of the slums who became Haiti's first democratically-elected president said he was prepared to return home "today, tomorrow, or anytime." He was ousted in 2004 in the midst of growing unrest and under intense pressure from the United States. He said his doctors had recommended that he not spend another winter in South Africa where he has lived because he has a serious eye condition. Just what Haiti needs amid earthquake recovery, cholera epidemics and total squalor..two disturbed no-goodniks to add to their misery.

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The Human Price of Technology

Master storyteller, Mike Daisey, has just returned to Berkeley Rep in The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. With his wry eye and eccentric intellect, Daisey examines how the Apple CEO and his obsessions profoundly shape our everyday lives; and he travels to China to investigate the factories where millions toil making iPhones and iPods. His journey shines a brilliant light on our love affair with our devices and the human cost of creating them. All throughout Daisey's scintillating two-hour nonstop monologue, he is seated behind his little table flanked by Seth Reiser's impressive lighting design on the back wall of the theatre. According to Berkeley Rep's Artistic Director Tony Taccone, Daisey "combines the hysteria of a comedian, the intelligence of an essayist, the intensity of an actor and the desperation of a raconteur." In the Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs, Mike Daisey takes us on a tour of three cities in China where workers in the tech industry literally put their lives on the line for the privilege of having a job. This storyteller comes equipped with his tools of emphasis and tone with metaphor and irony, and with much embellishment and humor, to get us to see things in a new light. This newest monologue directed by his wife, Jean-Michele Gregory, has as its main focus, the rise and fall, and rise of Steve Jobs, Apple, industrial design and the human price we are willing to pay for our technology, woven together in a complex narrative. According to Daisey, this monologue is a perfect example of years of journalism, travel, research, investigation, sweat and tears. It examines our technology through a personal lens. Mike Daisey share his experiences in Hong Kong and Shen Zhen and Apple's labor practices. However, Apple is hardly alone--every major electronics manufacturer uses the same inhumane labor practices in the creation of their products. Daisey's main concern is to make people aware of labor conditions in China and the systems we have created to feed it. The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs will alternate in repertory with his other monologue, The Last Cargo Cult. Performances will take place through February 27 at Berkeley Rep, 2025 Addison Street, Berkeley. Performances are held Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8 p.m.; Wednesday and Sunday at 7 p.m.; and Thursday, Saturday and Sunday at 2 p.m. For tickets and information, call 510-647-2949 or go online at www.berkeleyrep.org.

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On a happier note, the carefully constructed guest list for President Obama's state dinner for President Hu Jintao of China included Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter, Bill and Hillary Clinton, the heads of Microsoft, Boeing, Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase and Walt Disney. Also singer Barbra Streisand, ice skater Michelle Kwan, the cellist Yo-Yo Ma, the architect Maya Lin and fashion Designer Vera Wang. Trade was a major theme of the day. Later, as she walked into the White House for the dinner, Barbra Streisand was asked what accounted for her invitation. Her reply was deadpan: "I worked in a Chinese restaurant."

END QUOTE: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks

Which practically conceals its sex

I think its clever of the turtle

In such a fix to be so fertile ......Ogden Nash,1931

Feedback: phyllis@westsideobserver.com

Febuary 2011

The following is a reprint of an article I wrote for the now defunct SF Progress newspaper in July of 1983 (my how time flies when you’re having fun!)

Mother came to visit. For two and one half years I’ve been urging her to come out from the East Coast and see what San Francisco is all about.  “But, I was there, Phyllis. 15 years ago I came out on a tour and visited Fisherman’s Wharf.  I know it’s nice there.”

When I decided to move to California, Mother vehemently protested.  “I know people in California who aren’t happy!  Whoever heard of moving cross-country like that?”  “If you want to move from Hartford, (where I was living), why not try Boston? Remember their great chowder?  At least you’d still be on the East coast.”  Finally, “O.K., so you’re going to California. At least leave your furniture here. It shouldn’t be so hard to come back if you don’t like it there.” You can’t say she didn’t give it the old one-two.  A big E for Effort. So getting her out here to visit was quite a feat.

I took her to several of my favorite restaurants. We tried FUJI, the Japanese restaurant on West Portal. THE HIGHER TASTE, the Indian vegetarian restaurant in the Haight, and PANOS, the Greek restaurant on 24th St. She thought the Miso soup that you drink directly from a bowl was pretty cute in the Japanese restaurant but thought some kreplach tossed in would improve it. The curry concoctions were not sufficiently identifiable for comfort in the Indian restaurant, although the background chanting was quite atmospheric, she agreed. She enjoyed the salmon at PANOS, and especially the “Greek-God-type” waiters.  She raved about the wonderful pasta at PICCOLO PUB on Columbus Avenue in North Beach and though LA ROCA, the Spanish seafood restaurant outstandingly good.  But finally said, “Can’t we go to a REAL restaurant.  So we went to BAGATELLE in West Portal, a “real restaurant,” and she enjoyed every minute of it. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was quasi-French.

A visit to the CLIFF HOUSE and their interesting Musee Mechanique was good fun.  Especially when for ten cents the Fortune Telling Lady in the black booth told her she was “quite sensitive, with master mind, great organizational and analytical powers.”  Also “good money sense and diplomatic skills.” So what else is new? Like we didn’t know!

We watched the seals through telescopes, learned all about the original Sutro Baths, and had delicious sandwiches in their Cafe.  Mother bought a postal card of a 1920’s bathing beauty and sent it back home to a friend.  She inscribed it, “Look how revitalized I look after two weeks in San Francisco!” I know she had a good time and yet when I commented, “Aren’t the views fantastic?  Isn’t this a beautiful city?” she countered with “Central Park isn’t beautiful? Something wrong with Fifth Avenue? Did you forget what it’s like to watch the skaters in Rockefeller Plaza?”

Try as you might, with Mother you didn’t win. It’s been almost sixteen years since I wrote that piece.  In that time, many of the restaurants have either changed hands or gone out of business. And we miss them...but even more, we miss Mother.  Mother has died...even though she downplayed our City...well, that was Mother. She was a good old gal who used to say, “Phyllis, there’s nothing that you can’t do if you want it enough.”  Still, she probably never forgave me for choosing San Francisco over Boston.  In retrospect, I realize that the only things that have remained the same here are the magnificent views. You can’t go home again...although JETBLUE keeps urging me to try.

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     Some unsettling news on the Geriatric front. Report has it that fewer medical students are going into Geriatrics as their specialty. It’s seen as a depressing field and not “glamorous.” A recent survey of physicians, however, said that Geriatric doctors are more satisfied with their work than other specialists. The JAMA said that more standard training is needed across all medical specialties. Residence requires little or no training in Geriatrics and there needs to be more to incorporate this training into all areas of medicine.  By the way, if you haven’t seen SICKO, Michael Moore’s documentary on the Medical Care industry, order it from NETFLIX or wherever you can. It’s a real eye-opener on the horrors going on in the MEDICARE and MEDICAL business. It’s a not-to-be-missed!

December 2010

IS NEWER BETTER? NOT ALWAYS

The good news on medical advancements is undeniable.Doctors can now keep patients alive with improved dialysis treatments while they await a kidney transplant, replace disintegrating hips and knees with artificial joints and spot internal growths with high-tech imaging devices that avoid the need for exploratory surgery.Even costly therapies can end up saving money as well as lives.Studies by respected economists have shown that spending on new cardiac treatments, neonatal care for low-birth-weight infants, and mental health drugs have more than paid for themselves.This is not always the case.Consider the prostate-specific antigen test, widely used to screen men for prostate cancer.Recently Dr. Richard J. Ablin, who discovered prostate-specific antigen, described the test as “hardly more effective than a coin toss” and lamented that the test’s popularity has led to “a hugely expensive public health disaster.”

Each year some 30 million American men undergo the test at a cost of at least $3 billion, and many go on to have surgery, intensive radiation or other damaging treatments that may not have been necessary.

Or consider complex fusion surgery to relieve lower back pain (which I’ve contemplated). An article and an editorial in the April 7 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, deplored the rapidly rising use of this surgery, which fuses multiple disks in the spine, in patients who would have done better, and faced fewer risks, with simpler surgery that eases pressure on the nerves without fusion.

The explanation for the boom was likely economic.Surgeons were paid 10 times as much for the complex surgery, hospitals were paid three and a half times as much, and manufacturers reaped a bonanza selling $50,000 worth of implants for the complex surgery, compared with the little or no profit from the simpler surgery.

Research that systematically compares the effectiveness of different treatments and drugs in clearly needed. The Obama administration started the process, committing $1.1 billion from stimulus funds to finance comparative studies.The new reform law will move that ahead, setting up a nonprofit, independent institute to organize the work.The comptroller general will appoint a governing board of 19 members, representing patients, doctors, manufacturers and others, including two designated federal health officials. Let’s hope it works. The legislative language is so convoluted that there is no guarantee that even the most credible findings will help ensure that patients get the best and most cost-effective treatment.

The Institute is supposed to make reports of its findings but is carefully restricted as to what it can say.It cannot tell doctors what treatments to use, or recommend how much doctors and hospitals should be paid for any service.It cannot make recommendations to Medicare or private insurers about what they should or should not cover. Critics will howl but if the panel does its job right--and politicians have the courage to make the case---both patients and taxpayers will benefit.

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I’ll bet you never noticed, but there’s a new bank in our midst. Right next to WHOLE FOODS is this small CIRCLE BANK.I asked several passersby where this new bank was, but the only one who knew, was one of the guys outside Whole Foods who help park cars.Not only will CIRCLE take all your jars of coins...even pennies..count them.. and give you back REAL dollars. Manager Carlos Rivera, and Marketing Director Alan Gaul will help you open an account... and even serve coffee and cookies if you don’t.Go in and say “hello.”

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I’ve spent a great deal of time lately reading INVESTOR’S BUSINESS DAILY and they have some excellent rules for investment success.If all 19 rules are carefully followed (not just the ones you like), your investment results can materially improve:

1. Consider buying stocks with each of the last three years’ earnings up 25%, return on equity of 17%+ and recent earnings and sales accelerating.

2. Recent quarterly earnings and sales should be up 25%or more.

3. Avoid cheap stocks Buy stocks selling for $15 to $100 or more.

4. Learn how to use charts to see sound bases and exact buy points. Confine buys to these points as stocks break out on big volume increases.

5. Cut every loss when it’s 8%below your cost.Make no exception so you’ll avoid any possible huge, damaging losses. Never average down in price.

6. Follow selling rules on when to sell and take profit on the way up. Review “When to Sell and Take a Profit” in “How to Make Money in Stocks.”

7. Buy when market indexes are in an uptrend. Reduce investments and raise cash when general market indexes show five days of increased volume distributions.

8. Read IBD’s Investor’s Corner and Big Picture column to learn how to recognize important tops and bottoms in market indexes.

9. Buy stocks with a Composite Rating of 90 or more and a Relative Price Strength Rating of 85 or higher in the iBD SmartSelect Corporate Ratings.

10. Pick companies with management ownershiip of stock.

11. Buy mostly in the top six broad industry sectors.

12. Select stocks with increasing institutional sponsorship in recent quarters

13. Don’t buy because of dividends or P-E ratios.Read a story on the company.

14. Pick companies with a superior new product or service.

15. Invest mainly in entrepreneurial New America companies.

16. Check the companies buying back 5% to 10% of their stock and those with new management.

17. Don’t try to bottom guess or buy on the way down Never argue with the market .Forget your pride and ego.

18. Find out if the market currently favors big-cap or small-cap stocks.

19. Do a post-analysis of all your buys and sells. Post on charts where you bought and sold.Evaluate and develop rules to correct your major mistakes. It’s what you learn after you think you know what you’re doing that’s vital.That’s how to improve your results.

I realize that this information is not of interest to everyone but for those of you with investment portfolios, I think it will be helpful.

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“With a fancy coat and a white tie, even a stockbroker can gain a reputation for being civilized.”—Oscar Wilde

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.”
—Frank McKinney Hubbard

November 2010

According to reports, most people’s greatest fear is speaking in public. Somewhere on the list, however, is fear of being audited by the IRS. Well, some weeks ago, I received the ominous notice: “We selected your Federal Income Tax return for the year shown below to examine the items listed at the end of this letter.  Please call us at the number shown above to arrange a convenient appointment.” Fear strikes the heart. My return was prepared by a CPA; so, naturally, a call to that office was appropriate.

My call for help was to no avail. I was told in no uncertain terms to please find another accountant. She was busy with other tasks. I called another firm that, at least, helped fill me in after reviewing my return on what supporting data to bring to the audit.  Most helpful of all, however, was Nolo Press’ book, How to Handle an IRS Audit.  I was up until 2 AM the night before my appointment, reading the specifics.  It is quite comprehensive and not at all unwieldy.  Among the many items of advice was “Never attempt to bribe your auditor.” Ha! What shall I bribe her with? An ad in the WESTSIDE OBSERVER?

I arrived with all the data I’d been told to bring. Among the caveats from the book was, “even though they request you bring your return for the year before and the year after, don’t do it.”  So, I didn’t, and fortunately they weren’t requested.  My auditor, a nice young woman from Oakland, attempted to put me at ease and we talked about my return for over two hours. She was amazed at some of the errors considering the return was, ostensibly, professionally prepared. She ate a Tootsie Roll while we were talking and offered me one, admitting she was addicted to them.  Hmm, I thought, and even asked her “Could I bribe you with a box of Tootsie Rolls?” We both laughed.

To make a long story short, I must send in some canceled checks, verification of certain expenses, plus, a healthy amount of money.  Nevertheless, my initial trepidation and anxiety were unnecessary. The anticipation was worse than the reality.  The experience was not as bad as a poke in the eye.  It’s only money.

My advice, if it happens to you: Ask, and make sure your accountant will assist you BEFORE you have your return prepared. Get it in writing.  Secondly, try to keep meticulous records and get Nolo’s book on IRS Audits.  It’s a pretty good read considering the subject matter.

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I notice that Dan Hoyle’s The Real Americans is still playing at the Marsh Theater on Valencia. Dan is telling his story as he travels through rural America seeking country wisdom and fighting ignorance, homophobia, fears of socialism and this 90-minute tour de force is running through November 6. It is worth seeing twice. A don’t miss, hilarious one-man standup. 800-838-3006.

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There was a very funny, topical and poignant production by a group of seniors between the ages of 55 and 75, who produced instructional sex videos for senior citizens. Despite protests from their children and members of their retirement community, they overcome obstacles as they discover a new perspective on themselves, their relationships and their changing social roles. Sex Tapes for Seniors was at the Victoria Theater and may return.

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In the film department, if you haven’t seen Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work at the Opera Plaza is one of the best documentaries about show business life. It follows Joan for a year, as she tries successfully to resurrect her career. Not for the prurient, but for everyone else.  The Kids are All Right is at the Stonestown, and the story about a gay marriage that becomes destabilized when the kids contact their sperm-donor, biological father.  Mark Ruffalo is the sperm donor and Annette Bening and Julianne Moore are both superb as middle-aged lesbians in a long- term relationship.  And, there’s never a parking problem at Stonestown Cinema! Also showing at Stonestown currently is the Swedish film, The Girl Who Played With Fire, with English titles and totally absorbing.

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Several weeks ago, there were two Comedy Talk Sundays. I met Carol Channing (90 yrs. old next week), Shelley Berman, Dick Little, Will Durst and a couple of other funny guys. An amusing line from Dick Little about Obama: “No matter his politics, you have to admire his not getting involved in anything.”  Carol married Harry a few years ago. She remembered him from elementary school some time back (and they just reconnected a few years ago and got married.)

Photo: Phyllis with Carol

Sept. 2010

There’s never enough time to read everything that comes into the house.  The SF Chronicle arrives Thursdays through Sundays. I like Datebook, Mick LaSalle’s interesting movie reviews and an occasional article but there’s nothing like the NY Times to keep you well informed...so I read it daily...time permitting. I frequently save it for late at night when all is still and quiet and there are no competing things to do.  Occasionally I’m sorry that I didn’t read it earlier because often they’ll review a new TV show that’s on that evening and I’ve already missed it. However, TV can’t compete in my mind with things I learn from the paper. The Tuesday issue has a  Science section which is usually fascinating and keeps readers up-to-date on new developments around the world that you’d miss otherwise. Recently they discussed a new tool for helping heart patients described as a new smart implantable defribullator that monitors heart information and transmits it to doctors and hospitals. They wrote about how tanning sometimes turns into an addiction and how weight lifting injuries, especially for women, are on the rise.  The main news section told all about the unapologetic terrorist who set the Times Square bomb that didn’t go off. The 30 year old terrorist, who spoke perfect English, described his tactics and how he conceived the plot with Taliban help in Pakistan.  He’s sentenced to life. Another article detailed how 800,000 Afghanistan citizens use heroin, opium and other illicit drugs...a jump from five years ago.  90% said they were in need of drug treatment. Apparently, they’re taking drugs against the hardships of life.

     Something else to worry about...a new study from Australia suggests that couch potatoes live shorter lives.  The study followed 8,800 adults ages 25 and older for six and a half years and found that each daily hour of television viewing was associated with an 18 percent increase in deaths from heart disease and an 11 percent increase in overall mortality. Those who watched TV four hours or more a day were 80% more likely to die of cardiovascular disease than those who watched two hours or less, and 46% more likely to die of any cause. And it didn’t matter whether they were overweight, according to the study. Although it’s possible that people who were already ill watched more TV than those who were healthy, the researchers tried to rule that out by excluding subjects who already had heart disease and by adjusting for differences in risk factors like diet and smoking.  While the benefits of physical activity have been well studied, there is growing interest among researchers in assessing the effect of being sedentary. “For many people, on a daily basis, they simply shift from one chair to another--from the chair in the car to the chair in the office to the chair in front of the television,” said the study’s lead author David Dunstand of the Heart and Diabetes Institute in VIctoria, Australia. “Even if someone has a healthy body weight, sitting for long periods still has an unhealthy influence on blood sugar and blood fats.” The moral of the story...”off your tush!”

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Theatrically speaking, there’s not a great deal going on except for  The TOSCA  Project at  ACT which was delightful...the SF Ballet was involved and the show was dazzling. The San Francisco Playhouse is presenting the 50 year anniversary of THE FANTASTICS. It is re-imagined in a world devastated by global warming to bring new resonance to its theme of hope and of facing the truth before one can grow.  Beautiful melodies, among them the hit songs “Try to Remember” and “Soon It’s Gonna Rain” sparkle throughout the comedy and evoke the agony and rapture of being young, full of dreams, and giddy with love. It’s directed by Bill English who is consistently top-notch.  It’s scheduled to play through September 4, 2010 so put it on your list. In the film department, I caught JOAN RIVERS..A PIECE OF WORK, which got ecstatic reviews from most reviewers.  I wasn’t quite as thrilled, although impressed with her total openness.  She leaves nothing to the imagination...including details of her numerous face lifts and her impressive sex life.  She was funny, if a bit “over-the top.” If you’re a conservative type, stay home.  On the other hand, if you’re a conservative-type or a liberal-type, I’d highly recommend TOY STORY 3.  It’s smart, funny, poignant, and highly creative .Go, with or without a child. You’ll love it!

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Just an addendum from the SF PLAYHOUSE you should make a note of: On September 28th, they’re having the West Coast premiere of THE SUNSET LIMITED by Cormac McCarthy, directed by Bill English. A startling encounter on a New York subway platform leads two strangers to a run-down tenement where they engage in a brilliant verbal duet on a subject no less compelling than the meaning of life. TV and film star Carl Lumbly returns to the SF Playhouse in the lead role.

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END JOKES;

Out of the mouth of jewish children

A little boy was attending a wedding of a close relative. After the ceremony, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Rabbi said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

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A little girl became restless as the rabbi’s High Holy Day appeal sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

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After the circumcising of his baby brother in shul, little Jonah sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That rabbi said he wanted us brought up in a Jewish home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

Feedback: phyllis@westsideobserver.com

July 2010

Rumor has it, it’s no longer “cool” to be a Cougar. Don’t believe it. Defenders stand up! Our future depends on it. There are only so many old fogies left. They either died or are senile...neither sounds appealing. So stick to your guns...flirt a little, shake your booty, color your roots, mouth dirty words and watch those Brad Pitt look-alikes come running. In a few years even Justin Bieiber will become available. Hang in there, girl! (“Hey, take it easy Cougar...Justin’s only 13.”)

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On the entertainment front, there’s not a great deal to comment on. Movie-wise, BABIES is probably the best of the bunch...This is a spare and interesting documentary about four babies in different parts of the world, including Namibia and San Francisco, through their first two years. It’s cute and appealing if you love babies, ever had one or hope to, or even if you ever were one. CITY ISLAND is an amiable family comedy about an Italian-American clan living in a little boating village attached to the Bronx. Andy Garcia is Vince, a prison guard whose secret is that he wants to perform: he sneaks off to an acting class where the teacher is Alan Arkin. It’s worth a visit.

I’ve been waiting to read what’s happening in Cannes. Apparently, nothing spectacular. One always looks forward to a new Woody Allen film but his latest “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger” has been called a trifle about vexed relationships. Naomi Watts and Josh Brolin star. According to reports, there are no masterpieces, few enthrallments and lots of deadwood. Exceptions include Mike Leigh’s ANOTHER YEAR; CERTIFIED COPY, BIUTIFUL (from Spain), TUESDAY AFTER XMAS (from Romania): THE HOUSEMAID (a sexy thriller from South.Korea) and WALL STREET MONEY NEVER SLEEPS. It’s anticipated that some will be picked up by American distributors.

One of the most hilarious, moving, and provocative solo shows is at the Marsh on Valencia St. Dan Hoyle travels through rural America seeking country wisdom and finding ignorance, xenophobia, fears of socialism, homophobia, and some heart-wrenching underlying connections. Called THE REAL AMERICANS, this 90 minute show is a real tour de force. A real winner and playing through August 8th. Dan’s father, Geoff Hoyle, is also at the Marsh with the GEEZER, called a workshop, (and very poignant) which may or may not still be playing. Geoff is San Francisco’s Marcel Marceau. Check out the Marsh at 800-838-3006.

Susi Damilano and Bill English, directors at the SF Playhouse, are tireless. Their latest show in their Sandbox Series is dedicated to presenting world Premieres in their second stage. The latest show, THE APOTHEOSIS OF PIG HUSBANDRY, opened recently with a stellar cast of three. In the play we find a woman in a slip handcuffed to a bed. A bar that only serves one drink. Windows duck-taped to keep out the smell. Welcome to the Lazy Eight Motel, where sex, revenge, social theory and pig farming mix in an explosive cocktail. Philosopher and social theorist Asuncion “Assy” Boyle drifts into town, buys the derelict motel downwind of the biggest pig farm in the state, and seduces the pig farmer’s wife, Lola. His plan? To put Charles, the farmer, out of business and clean up the pig shit that’s destroying the community and polluting the groundwater. But since Assy blames Charles for his mother’s death, is this really social justice...or naked revenge? By the startling end of the play, Assy learns what happens when you take justice into your own hands. William Bivins is the award winning playwright. The cast includes Keith Burkland, Chad Deverman and Madeline H.D. Brown. Running until June 12 (unless extended), you’ll enjoy this intimate theater production. Beginning June 15 is the 50 year anniversary of THE FANTASTICS, a must-see for comedy and musical lovers. Reserve your tickets now. (415) 677-9596.

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SHIRLEY TEMPLE was the subject of a recent documentary on PBS that showed snips of her early movies. I was a huge Shirley fan! When I was about 8 years old I sat down and wrote a letter to Shirley, telling her how much I enjoyed her films. And surprise, I got a response! A few years ago I met her at the Commonwealth Club, where she was President for some years. I told her about my letter to her and how thrilled I was with a response. I said I think it was “the most exciting thing that ever happened to me!” And she said, “Oh, you poor dear, what a life!” She currently lives in Atherton and had three children with her second husband, Charles Black, who is now deceased. You never read anything about her or her family. Having spent so many of her young years in the limelight with constant bodyguards (to avoid kidnapping), she’s obviously keeping a very low profile about her family. I’d love to know more about her.

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Laura Bush has a new book out in which she relates her support for Gay Marriage and Abortion

*and her further support for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Some die-hard Republicans and conservatives are questioning Kagan’s nomination...seems there’s a photo of her playing softball and therefore a question of whether she’s a lesbian or not. Also, controversy over her never being a judge. At 50 years of age, Elena Kagan has never married. Reports have it she’s very funny and extremely bright and many guys are fearful of women who are smarter than they are. It’s been suggested that after she makes the grade and becomes one of the justices, Michelle Obama might introduce her to JDate. Just a thought...but maybe a good one.

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Diets, diets, diets...I’ve tried several...even sent for some on-line product which promised a size 12 in twelve days or something similar. The first dose provided a hallucination effect, which was disconcerting to say the least. Now something new on the market...the Baby Food Diet. Have to check that out. They do say it’s a bit of a problem getting the vodka into the juice box.

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END JOKES: Third grade Johnny likes the little girl next door. He tells his father he’s in love and is going to marry her. His father thinks that’s real cute and says “Where will you live?” “Well, her room’s bigger than mine, so I’ll move in there.” The father thinks that’s real cute so again he asks, “What will you do for money?” “Well, we each get an allowance, so we’ll manage.” “What will you do if you have a family?” “Well, so far we’ve been lucky.”

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A magazine, doing research, goes into a rest home and asks a 95 year old lady “What’s the best thing about being 95?” “No peer pressure.”

Questions or comments to phyllis@westsideobserver.com

June 2010

As you can tell I’m fond of humor. Of course the truth can be sometimes quite painful. Freud once said that all humor is based on pain. Note Laurel & Hardy, poor Laurel always being knocked out by Hardy. Moving the piano and both getting creamed. Groucho Marx: “I wouldn’t belong to a club that allowed me in as a member.” or “My children are only half Jewish, so can’t they get into the pool up to their navels?” Mel Brooks, John Cleese with Monty Python or Woody Allen, about people in the old folks home… “the food is horrible. And the portions are so small!” Then there’s the one about the old folks talking about their aches and pains... “My shoulder is killing me.” “You know... “I can’t move my neck to the right.” and “My glasses don’t fit right any more.” And finally, “What ‘cha all complaining about? At least we can all still drive.” And the one about the 80 year old guy marrying the 20 year old gal....someone asks... “At your age that could be fatal.” The old man says, “She dies, she dies.” Or the classic Borsch Belt line;Q. “Why did God create gentiles?” A. “Someone has to buy retail.”

Then there are the old moron jokes.. “What did the moron say when he found a head on the railroad tracks?” (“Joe, Joe, are you all right?) Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?” “He wanted to see time fly.” Now it’s not okay to poke fun at anyone anymore, so we have blondes...who are at least cute (most of the time...so they’re sort of protected.) I remember a Norwegian joke that made the Norwegians the stupid ones... Q: How does a Norwegian tie his shoes? A: This guy put his left foot on the chair and mimed tying the shoe that was on the floor.

Milton Berle once wrote, “Ethnic jokes won’t go away. If only one or two groups were picked on, the discrimination would be unfair and probably immoral. The fact is that no ethnic group has escaped comedy probing. In parts of China, jokes are made about the “whites.” “Browns in Malaysia make fun of the Chinese. The rich go after the poor, and the poor after the rich. Canada picks on Newfoundlanders, Louisianians on Cajuns and the Southwest on Chicanos. My litmus test for my personal use of ethnic jokes is a simple one. Use only if you’re not angry, seeking revenge, or trying to inflict pain. And you aren’t immune to fun at your own expense.

My one credo...and I think it’s a good one: “HE WHO LAUGHS, LASTS!

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Interesting statistics from all over. A new study from Australia suggests that couch potatoes live shorter lives. The study followed 8,800 adults ages 25 and older for six and half years and found that each daily hour of T.V. viewing was associated with an 18 percent increase in deaths from heart disease and an 11 percent increase in overall mortality. Those who watched TV four hours or more a day were 80 percent more likely to die of cardiovascular disease than those who watched two hours or less, and 46 percent more likely to die of any cause. And it didn’t matter whether they were overweight according to the study which appeared in January in the online edition of Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association. Although it’s possible that people who were already ill watched more TV than those who were healthy, the researchers tried to rule that out by excluding subjects who already had heart disease and by adjusting for differences in risk factors like diet and smoking. While the benefits of physical activity have been well studied, there is growing interest among researchers in assessing the effects of being sedentary. “For many people, on a daily basis, they simply shift from one chair to another—from the chair in the car to the chair in the office to the chair in front of the TV, said the study’s lead author, David Dunstan of the Heart and Diabetes Institute in Victoria, Australia. “Even if someone has a healthy body weight, sitting for long periods still has an unhealthy influence on blood sugar and blood fats.” Soooo...get up and take a l-o-o-ng walk!

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According to other statistics, 25 of the nation’s leading newspapers have lost circulation...the only one that’s still gaining advertising (and thus circulation) was the Wall Street Journal.

The newspaper that has lost the MOST circulation, is guess which?......The SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE. Surprise! Surprise!

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Now for a bit about film and food....plays, movies and restaurants....First off...THE JONESES...is a satire of modern consumerism. The Joneses--Demi Moore and David Duchovny are the mom and dad with winsome teenage children..are not a family at all, but rather a team of marketers dispatched to a wealthy subdivision to seduce the natives into buying more stuff. The mysterious company they work for is happy with their successful productivity. They induce the neighbors to keep up with them. The more golf clubs, track suits, cellphonesand high-end prepared dinners that are sold, the happier the company. If you’re into compulsive materialism and you’re even minimally aware of Amway.com types of businesses...this film might appeal as an exercise in phoniness...and it’s good looking, to boot.

I like Steve Carrell and Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live...but couldn’t get enthused about them in the film DATE NIGHT .Not very funny.

In the theaters...Went to a preview performance of AN ACCIDENT by Lydia Stryk at the Magic Theater The entire show takes place in a hospital room and while not really sick it’s pretty mediocre. At the 42nd Street Moon --Eureka Theater, Klea Blackhurst performed the songs of Ethel Merman...she was only there for five days...but she was terrific If you’re old enough to remember Gershwin’s “I’ve Got Rhythm”, “You’re an Old Smoothie” or Irving Berlin’s “Hey, Good Lookin’.”..you’d have loved it. Eureka hosts old Broadway musicals and well worth seeing. Still around and getting standing ovations is Dan Hoyle’s magnificent solo show THE REAL AMERICANS. Wonderful performance. His dad, Geoff Hoyle, from Pickle Family Circus is opening soon in “GEEZER.” A don’t miss!!!

You like restaurants? Try THE RAMP for brunch on the waterfront. NICK’S SEAFOOD in Pacifica. SUSHI ZONE at 1815 Market at Pearl, PEGAN...a Burmese restaurant on Clement Street in the Richmond. All four stars! And if you’ve a few hours to spare, don’t miss the Cartier Exhibit at the Legion of Honor

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

May 2010

THE CASE AGAINST VANITY PLATES

I have this thing about car vanity plates. I’m convinced that the people who invest in vanity plates (and it does cost money)…with their name or profession embossed…are either insecure, egocentric, vain or pretentious. (Maybe all four.) Why else is it necessary to proclaim to the world that “Joe Blow” or “Jay Tooth DDS” is driving his Chevy Blazer or yellow Mercedes, as the case may be. Seinfeld had a funny schtick recently when Kramer (in one of their reruns) ordered vanity plates and the DMV mixed them up with someone else’s and so Kramer had plates that said ASSMAN. Jerry and cohorts spent quite a while until they discovered that they belonged to a proctologist who was glad to get them back.

I had a friend in Connecticut some years ago who was quite a ladies’ man. As a matter of fact he “ladies’ manned” all over town until he realized that his vanity plates caused him untold misery. Everyone knew where he was at all times which was certainly not his intention given his predilection for fun and games.

If you want to have vanity plates, stick to vanity dental plates. Then you only make a statement every time you open your mouth.

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HERE’S SOMETHING THEY DIDN’T TELL YOU IN THE SF PAPERS:

Anyone convicted of a crime knows a debt to society often must be paid in jail. But a slice of Californians willing to supplement that debt with cash (no personal checks, please) are finding that the time can be most bearable. For offenders whose crimes are usually relatively minor (carjackers should not bother) and whose bank accounts remain lofty, a dozen or so city jails across the state offer pay-to-stay-upgrades. Theirs are a clean, quiet, if not exactly recherche’s alternative to the standard county jails, where the walls are bars, the fellow inmates are hardened and the privileges are few. Many of the self-pay jails operate like secret velvet-roped nightclubs of the correction world. You have to be in the know to even apply for entry, and even if the court approves your sentence there, jail administrators can operate like bouncers, rejecting anyone they wish. One 22 year old gal said “I’m aware that this is considered to be a five-star Hilton.” She was recently booked into one of the Orange County jails and paid $82 per day to complete a 21 day sentence for a drunken driving conviction She shopped around for the best accommodations and said from a sort of couch found in a hospital ER and spoke from a jail day room, “this place is clean, safe, and everyone here is really nice.”

Next time the cops pick you up, consider this option, tell them you’ll pay a little extra and ask for the creme brulee.

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On the entertainment front…DEN OF THIEVES at the S.F. PLAYHOUSE is a hilarious spoof about an odd quartet of misfits when they attempt to rip off the mob and are involved in a very funny 12-step program lampoon. Director Susi Damilano has done it again and you have until April 12 to enjoy. By the time you read this, VIGIL with Marco Barricelli and Olympia Dukakis will be at ACT. Written and directed by Morris Panych, early reports have given it rave reviews.

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In the film department, if you’re a depressive type. you may enjoy the hostile Ben Stiller in GREENBERG. He plays a 40 year old man recently released from a mental hospital who spends time writing complaining letters to the airlines about their lack of foot room and to Starbucks about some other deficiency and to sundry other organizations bitching about something. It received good reviews but I left more despondent after seeing this film than when I came in.

Another film that won accolades is the GREEN ZONE. Officer Matt Damon leads his men into worthless empty sites in Iraq in search of the elusive, non-existent Weapons of Mass Destruction. Another war movie with two hours of bombings and battles that you may enjoy if you like those things

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ENDJOKES: An elderly woman in Florida is talking to her friend, “Everyone in the recreation room talks about their travels and I’ve never been anywhere.” Her friend says, “Sara, they haven’t been either. They’re just making it up. You make something up too.” So the next day she tells everyone, “You know what? I just returned from Rome and had an audience with the Pope.” “No kidding,” someone says, “what’s he like?” “Well, I was invited to lunch and he was really very nice but I didn’t much care for his wife.”

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?:” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out!”

April 2010

I was going to write this column on my hand, instead of on paper, in honor of Sarah Palin, but try as I might I just couldn’t get it to fit. Go figure.

But good old Sarah aside, I thought it would have more interest if I just wrote it on my good old Dell Windows 7...so here goes.

Academy Awards nominations are up and running. I watched the BBC British Academy Awards from the London Opera House recently and the winners were probably similar to the American awards. The Hurt Locker was terrific and it, and its director Katheryn Bigelow, won best picture and direction awards.

Up in the Air with George Clooney and The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock were great films as was An Education with Carey Mulligan. Precious with Gabourey Sidibe was in limited release because of its abusive content but very worthwhile viewing. The White Ribbon will probably win best foreign picture award. It’s in black and white and is the German release and though tough to watch, concerning the Holocaust, is also worth viewing. Avatar may win best film award, but I think it should win for Cinematography or Film Editing or Special Effects—but it wasn’t my cup of tea for Best Picture. Also,

If you get a chance you’d probably enjoy the Live Action Short Films which consist of five short movies, several of which are quite entertaining.

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BRING BACK THE SIESTA: It turns out that toddlers are not the only ones who do better after an afternoon nap. New research has found that young adults who slept for 90 minutes after lunch raised their learning power, their memory apparently primed to absorb new facts. Other studies have indicated that sleep helps consolidate memories after cramming, but the new study suggests that sleep can actually restore the ability to learn. The findings which have not yet been published, were presented recently at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science in San Diego. “You need to sleep before learning, to prepare your brain, like a dry sponge, to absorb new information,” said the lead investigator, Matthew P. Walker, an assistant professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of California in Berkeley.

The study recruited 39 healthy young adults and divided them into two groups. All 39 were asked to learn 100 names and faces at noon, and then to learn a different set of name and faces at 6 p.m. But 29 of the volunteers who slept for 90 minutes between the two learning sessions improved their scores by 10 percent on average after sleeping: the scores of those who didn’t nap actually dropped by 10 percent.

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I recently attended an art show at the home of Mark and Helena McMahon to celebrate the official launch of Mark’s oil paintings and the launch of his new business, Mark McMahon Artworks. McMahon, from Ireland, is self taught and has been painting for the past ten years, and works mainly with oil on canvas to create portraits and original works in a range of styles and dimensions. Influenced and inspired by masters such as Monet, Braque and Picasso, McMahon uses vibrant, earthy colors in his modern landscapes and his more abstract, interpretive works alike. McMahon’s portraits were also on display, revealing his ability to capture the essence of his subject with a distinctive modern flair. McMahon is currently working with clients on commissioned pieces for residential and commercial settings. A sampling of Mark’s work and the best ways to contact him can be found on the web at markmcmahonartworkscom. I enjoy art and Mark’s paintings are worth a viewing

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If the name Bertold Brecht intimidates you or makes you think of Shakespeare or Aristotle, fear no more. An updated version of Caucasion Chalk Circle by Bertolt Brecht (in 1944) has been beautifully updated at ACT and is creatively adapted and directed by John Doyle. Doyle produced “Sweeney Todd at ACT in 2007 launching its national tour. Interestingly staged and beautifully acted by a cast of ten, “Caucasion” is a must-see, running through March 14.

Beginning March 25 and running through April 18 at ACT is Vigil with Olympia Dukakis and Marco Barricelli.Called “wickedly dark” by Variety magazine

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AND don’t miss SAN FRANCISCO PLAYHOUSE’S newest hit comedy, Den of Thieves beginning March 9th and running until April 17. Written by Stephen Adly Guirgis and directed by Susi Damilano, this show welcomes you to the world of unorganized crime. Cracking a safe to steal $750,000 in drug money may not be the perfect road to recovery for kleptomaniacs Maggie and Paul. Watch them pull off the perfect crime. Call 415- 677-9596.

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ENDJOKES: A guy goes to a psychiatrist and is very upset. He says “I’m very upset. No one likes me. I can’t make friends. I feel terrible”....the psychiatrist in his most sympathetic manner, says, “Look you have a poor self -image. That’s common among losers.”

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Mabel and Sadie are elderly ladies who enjoy driving. One day they’re out on Main Street and Sadie is driving along and goes through three red lights. Mabel says, “Sadie do you realize you just went through three red lights?” Sadie says, “Oh, am I driving?”

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A little girl loves doing cartwheels. Her mother chides her...”You know, the boys like you to do the cartwheels so they can see your panties!”

“I know,” she responds. “But I fooled them. I folded them up and put them in my back pack!”

March 2010

A STORY WITH TEETH

Here’s something I’ll bet you didn’t know. In l8th-century England, straight, white, teeth were a sign of beauty, affluence,and moral fortitude, perhaps because tooth loss was a common result of venereal disease and its treatment with mercury. Wealthy and fashionable citizens engaged in a fad known as live-tooth transplantation similar to the way today’s socialites and celebrities purchase foreign substances, like Botox injections and saline implants to augment their bodies.

At a time when dentistry was still new, ladies and gentlemen had their damaged or rotten teeth pulled out and quickly replaced with teeth taken from the mouths of live donors—indigents who were forced to sell their teeth for cash. Fear of disease transmittal and criticism of the exploitive nature of the practice contributed to its disappearance at the turn of the 19th century.

This bizarre and short-lived dental procedure provides insights into many aspects of late l8th-century life, including divisions between the rich and poor, changing standards of beauty and the rise of consumer culture. Our culture, in which people’s bodies play a key role in their personal and social identities, and where body parts are viewed as commodities that can be bought and sold. Many contemporary trends, such as cosmetic surgery, tattooing, body piercing, and the sale of organs on the black market, can be traced to this strange and largely unknown fad.

I gleaned this information from Professor Mark Blackwell, chair of the Department of English in the University of Hartford College of Arts and Sciences. The article entitled “Extraneous Bodies: The Contagion of Live-Tooth Transplantation on Late-Eighteenth-Century England” earned Blackwell the prestigious James L. Clifford Prize, conferred by the American Society of Eighteenth-Century Studies on an outstanding study of some aspect its culture.

I guess your dentist never heard of this mouth enhancing improvement.

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San Francisco women complain about the male shortage in the Bay Area. Well, there’s a surplus of bachelors in China. Here’s your chance! With no eligible women in his village (X’IN’AN VILLAGE, Hanzhong, China) Zhou Pin, 27 years old, thought he was lucky to find a pretty bride whom he met and married within a week, following the custom in rural China. Ten days later, Cai Niucuo vanished, leaving behind her clothes and identity papers. She did not, however, leave behind her bride price: 38,000 yuan, or about $5,500, which Mr.Zhou and his family had scrimped and borrowed to put together.

When Mr. Zhou reported his missing spouse to authorities, he found his situation wasn’t unique. The first two months, Hanzhong town saw a record number of scams designed to extract high bride prices in a region with an over supply of bachelors.

The fleeing Mrs. Zhou was one of 11 runaway brides--hardly the isolated case or two that the town had seen in years past. The local phenomenon has fueled broader speculation among officials that the fast-footed wives may be part of a scam which is being investigated. China’s rule of allowing abortions of female fetuses is certainly a probable cause of the dearth of marriageable females. Boys are preferred in Chinese families, believing that boys will be able in later years to support their elderly parents.

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The survivors of Haiti’s horrendous earthquake are still numb from the shock of losing everything in their already depleted world. Countries world-wide are attempting to help and it was very difficult to watch CNN’s pictures of death and devastation that they ran continuously on the network.

A few people were rescued alive even a week after the earthquake…truly a miracle. San Francisco knows what earthquakes are but any devastation here can’t begin to compare with Haiti where no building codes exist… I was on a cruise ship years ago that stopped in Haiti and the people were extremely warm and welcoming…I remember purchasing some beautiful carved figures from a local sculptor. Apparently some cruise ships are still arriving there despite the destruction. Four ships are not heading to Port-au-Prince...but to another far flung beach area in Haiti for vacation. The first arriving one, a Holland-American vessel is promising aid to the emergency effort while it’s passengers sun and surf on the beautiful beaches.

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On the movie scene, I enjoyed It’s Complicated. It didn’t get great reviews but Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin will keep you laughing. The Spanish film Broken Embraces is at times confusing, but worth seeing. and Precious is enthralling and has already won a Golden Globe award. At the Berkeley Repertory Theater, COMING HOME by Academy Award-winner Athol Fugard received a well-deserved standing ovation from the opening night audience. It tells the story of Veronika, who ten years after running off to the city to pursue her dreams, returns in rags. Among her meager belongings, she carries a desperate secret—and a determination to plant the seeds of a new life for her son. Roslyn Ruff plays Veronica and she has won several awards around the country. Gordon Edelstein is in his 8th year as Long Wharf Theatre’s Artistic Director, and author Fugard, born in South Africa, has won many awards in US and England. COMING HOME closes on Feb 28, 2010. The Berkeley Rep is just 1/2 a block from BART.

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END JOKE: A man in a hurry was speeding down the highway...60 miles per hour, 70 miles per hour...80 miles per hour..90 and up and then 100. A cop finally caught up with him and said, “Listen, Mister. I’ve had a pretty rough day. If you can give me the one reason why you were speeding like that.I might have pity on you and let you go. It better be pretty good.” The man though momentarily and said, “Officer, some months ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were trying to bring her back.”

February 2010

Tis the gift-giving season. We’ll probably, as usual, get many things we neither need nor want. This is inevitable. People buy for friends and relatives, what THEY like … and what they can afford. We must, of course, be gracious and appreciative no matter what goodies are forthcoming. How many chic designer bathrobes or coffee table art books does one really need? I saw a cute Xmas wreath made entirely of garlic bulbs at Costco, a must have for the Xmas cook. Rand McNally has a package of 50 old-fashioned luggage stickers from the 30s and 40s with artwork from hotels and cruise ships and, of course, they carry lots of world atlases … a home should never be without one. One ingenious idea is to save all your old maps from your world travels … have them laminated … and use them for interesting place mats! There are many inventive gift ideas and so it’s never too early to speak up and tell your dearly beloved folks what it is that you need and want. Not that you’re sure to get it, even then, but at least you’ve given it a try.

I had a teacher in my first grade back in New York City who always got what she wanted … and not just for Christmas. Never forgot her … her name was Mrs. Louden … short, squat, white haired, and she was an especially acquisitive type. She never heard of the expression “Less is More.” I couldn’t blame her really when you think about it....teacher’s salaries being pretty abysmal. (Not that they’re much better today.)

She had a unique system. She would say, “Row One was very good today. Every one clap for Row One.

Tomorrow Row One may bring me cakes … I just love chocolate cake.” Row One was ecstatic.

Or … “Hurray for Row Three. Everyone clap for Row Three. Such a wonderful row! Tomorrow Row Three may bring me plants. I especially like Rubber plants and Philodendrons.” (No matter that we had problems pronouncing it...she wrote it on the blackboard and we copied it.)

For whatever reason, the students liked her very much and so the mothers let her get away with her extortion. Every day plants, cakes and assorted other goodies arrived. We felt sympathy for twins Dolores and Sydelle, whose mother had to send in two presents when they were in the ‘lucky’ row.

Another Mrs. Louden ploy went, “David, what does your Daddy do for a living?”

“My daddy sells ladies’ stockings.”

“How nice! You tell your Daddy I wear size 9 1/2.”

Several times during the week you’d see a “selected” little boy schlepping a shopping bag with Mrs. Louden’s largess down the street.

Now there’s a lady who spoke up and got what she wanted. Don’t be shy.

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By the time you read this, Obama will be on his way to sending 30,000 or more troops to Adghanstan with the purpose of stabilizing the country (they’ve been trying for eleven years). The cost of one soldier going to Afghanstan is priced at one million per soldier. Imagine if those funds could be used for health care. Obama is listening to his generals instead of the people who voted for him. He speaks of “finishing the job.” Afghanistan is huge, mountainous, and totally corrupt and the people have a 10% literacy rate. President Karzai will try to do “something” about the corruption, of which he is the leading corrupt individual. Extrication doesn’t sound like a potential possibility for a very long time. Regardng health care, the chances of getting any reasonable policy in the near term is extremely doubtful.

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The reality show”The Biggest loser” is now in its eighth season. It’s one of NBC’s most-watched prime-time programs with an estimated 10 million viewers each week.More than 200,000 people a year submit audition video-tapes or attend open casting calls for the program. It also has spawned a license merchandise business that will generate an estimated $100 million this year. Doctors, nutritionists and physiologists not affiliated with the show express doubt about the program’s regimen of sever calorie restriction and up to six hours of strenuous exercise, which cause contestants to sometimes lose more than 15 pounds a week. At least one contestant has confessed to using dangerous weight-loss techniques including self-induced hydration. On the first episode this season, two contestants were sent to the hospital, one by airlift after collapsing from het stroke during a one-mile race. Medics advise against losing more than about two pounds a week. Rapid weight loss can include many medical problems including a weakening of the heart muscle. irregular heartbeat, reductions in potassium and electrolytes.Contestants are required to sign a document that they believe themselves to be in excellent emotional, physical, psychological and mental health. Getting contestants to talk openly about the environment of the progam is difficult. Shortly after a reporter startedcontacting former contestants about their experiences, a talent producer on the series set an e-mail message to many former contestants reminding them about the “serious consequences” of ever talking to a reporter without the show’s permission. To do so could subject them to a fine of $100,000 or $1 million, depending on the timing of the interview. Any interviews are conducted with an NBC publicist listening in .According to the trainers on the show, they say they happily accept a 50% success rate.The goal lof the show is to inspire people in America to make a change in their lives.

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A woman goes into her local newspaper office to put an obit in the paper. He asks the price and is informed

that it’s $3.00. Ok. “Billy Bob is dead. Here’s $3.00.” “Sorry,” she’s informed. “There’s a 7 word minimum.”

“Ok.” she replies. “Billie Bob is dead.’ 83 pick-up for sale.

December 2009